You're Dysfunctional!
by MightySwordPen
Summary: I, Alex Brady, just signed up for the biggest mistake of my life. Now I have to take care of a perverted Frenchman, a gender-neutral chibi thing, and a trigger happy chocolate lover for a full year! Inspired by LolliDictator's manual guides.
1. You're a Pervert!

**Title: You're Dysfunctional!**

**Summary:**** I, Alex Brady, just signed up for the**** biggest mistake of my life.**** Now I have to take care of an perverted Frenchman, a gender-neutral chibi thing, and a trigger happy chocolate lover for a full year! Inspired by LolliDictator's manual guides.**

**Chapter One: You're a Pervert!**

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><p>I took one look at the manual that was thrusted in my hands only a few moments ago, and died right there on the spot.<p>

I kept quiet as a delivery man, who had some weird green bunny thing with wings on his uniform, brought in a few wooden boxes and set them in my living room. He had already gotten my signature, and when he was done with the boxes, began towards the door to leave.

"You'll get your next unit in around two or three business days," he stopped at the door way and yawned tiredly, as if he had done this so many times before. "Just remember, you keep whoever you got for a full year before we come to get them. If you have any questions refer to your manual or call Customer Service. Thank you for choosing Flying Mint Bunny Express."

He left and when he was finally gone, I snapped out of my daze, finally realizing what I had gotten myself into.

"S-so this wasn't a joke," I finally croaked out, looking up from the manual to the giant box, and a few more boxes, only smaller, infront of me. "I didn't think this would actually happen."

The delivery man that had been here a few minutes ago was long gone by now, so I couldn't ask if he could take it back.

"He probably wouldn't believe that I did this on the impulse of a dare anyways," I sighed, remembering the night my friend, Keli, found a website giving away these Unit things for free. As a dare, I signed up and soon, I got an email saying my first Unit would be at my house in a few buisness days. Me, being the skeptical person I am, thought it was all a joke and forgot all about it.

Until now.

And oh no, these are not any ordinary Units, but Hetalia Units, which made everything all the better.

There was a list that I could have gotten. There was France, Prussia, Russia, America, Canada, Switzerland, Korea, China, England, and lets not forget, Italy. Out of all those possibilities, there was a 4/10 chance I got one would rape me, another 4/10 chance I would get one that could kill me, 1/10 chance I would get Italy, he's the only one who has a category named after himself, because you know that being 'Italy' is enough for words, and only a 1/10 chance I got a normal one.

I prayed to God I got Canada. That's where my 1/10 chance of getting someone normal was headed, so please, let it be him.

Closing my eyes, I opened the front cover. Slowly, I peeked one eye open and in big, black, bold font was this: _**Francis Bonnefois: User Guide and Manual.**_

I swear, right then and there, I began to cry. You had to be kidding me, right?

"No, no, no!" I practically screamed a the booklet. "I cannot have him!" I shook my head in frustration. I was going to have to live with a pervert? A French pervert non the less! I'm a 24 year old girl, who lives alone, thats just not safe in my books!

Quickly skipping half the manual to the FAQ's, I began to read what they said.

"If he molests me, there's nothing they can do? Your kidding me! I never signed any wai-" I stopped. That paper on the clipboard I signed earlier! It was probably a waiver, not a paper for a delivery!

Damn, those people are smart.

Sighing, I realized there was no way I was going to get out of this without calling customer service, which I really didn't feal like doing since I rarely ever got to talk to a real person. I flipped back towards the front of the manual and read what it said.

_**'CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of your very own FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit! Please take this time to remember the waiver you signed upon ordering this unit: we, the makers of this manual, are not to be held responsible for any bodily or emotional harm your new unit subjects you to. For your personal safety, we have enclosed this manual, and suggest you read it to avoid any unwanted contact with your unit'**_

Yeah, thanks for telling me this now you good for nothing manual! I flipped to the next page and read what was on it as well. "So, he'll reply to anything? Good, he better get used to replying to pervert, because i'm not calling him anything else."

He's only 26? Thats two years older than me, so that means that I'm not going to be the oldest person in the house anymore. Well, I'm the only person in this house, but still! I liked being the oldest.

I flipped the page and saw that he already came with a few accessories. An army uniform, ('That so won't stand out if he ever wants to get out of the house.') a chief outfit and hat, a Pierre, ('Was that the small bird he had? Or was that Prussia? God, I have got to watch Hetalia again, don't I?') and one copy of 'How To Stop the French From Invading Your Bed.

At least the book came in handy. Obviously I don't want a pervert like him in my bed.

Flipping the page, yet again, there were a lists of jobs he could take on. I decided to save those for later and flipped to the next page. God, I was doing alot of that. Stupid manual's and their constant page turning!

The next page came in handy. It was titled **_'Removal of your Francis Bonnefois from Packaging.'_**

"Okay, let me see. Play 'La Marseillaise' or if I speak French, I should sing it..." I looked around for my laptop, spotting it on the kitchen table. "So there's that option. Number two is to cook French food. That one can go, I'm not that good at cooking. I don't get number three at all, and number four is so out of the question." Sighing, I went to retreive my laptop. "Play 'La Marseillaise' it is then."

A few minutes later, I had the video up and my laptop set up next to the box. I clicked the play button and the music began.

_"Allons enfants de la Patrie_  
><em>Le jour de gloire est arrivé !<em>  
><em>Contre nous de la tyrannie<em>  
><em>L'étendard sanglant est levé<em>  
><em>Entendez-vous dans nos campagnes<em>  
><em>Mugir ces féroces soldats?<em>  
><em>Ils viennent jusque dans vos bras.<em>  
><em>Égorger vos fils, vos compagnes!<em>"

By the third or second verse, I could have sworn I heard singing coming from the box. That was later confirmed with a very loud cheer. Taking that as my cue, I opened the box to reveal a blonde with should-length blonde hair and light blue eyes. He was singing the lyrics, in French of course, but stopped when he saw me.

Then he gave me a smile that one could compare to a rape face. "Ah, bonjour manquer! Vous regardez très belle, ma chère," he purred, winking. I shuddered.

"Essayez et mourir," I growled back. He held his hands in the air defensively. Thank god I learned something from Keli's stupid French homework that she makes me help her with. Narrowing my eyes, I crossed my arms over my chest. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

He smiled at me again, this time his face softening from rape, to nice. "Mon amor, why did you not tell me you spoke Anglais?" He asked.

"You never asked. Why are you calling me your love?" I asked. He raised an eyebrow before gliding over to my side.

"I am Français, do I need an explination?" He pulled a rose out of his pocket and handed it to me. I stared at it before dropping it in discust.

"I guess not," I turned to him and gave him a fist, "but call me it one more time and your going back in that box."

"Honhonhon," he laughed, "but of course. What shall I call you then?"

"Alex, nothing more, nothing less, got it?" He nodded. "Good. Now, I'm going to go make some food, did you want anything specific?" I began to make my way into the kitchen, but I was stopped when Francis blocked the doorway.

"I'll make our food tonight," Francis said. "I'll make a dinner you'll never forget!" He then turned and blew me a kiss. I threw up a bit in my mouth. Once he left, I picked up some of the boxes that contained whatever he came with and dragged them into one of the two guest rooms.

Wiping the sweat from my forehead, I frowned. I was going to have to get him some more clothes. The food I had was only limited to feed one mouth, not two. This means I would have to go shopping.

I brought my hands to my face and groaned.

How long did that delivery guy say I was suppose to keep him for again?

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><p>;D I get bored very easily!<p>

This is what I get for wanting to write something at like 12 at night on a school night.

This was all inspired by LolliDictator's manual guides, so thank her for this cracktastic wonderfulness I will call a story!

Reviews are nice!


	2. You're a Boy?

_Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia or any of the characters but Alex._

_Manual Guides belong to LolliDictator._

_**Chapter Two: You're a Boy?**_

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><p>I think I deserve a medal. Or some sort of prize for surviving three whole days with that pervert, Francis.<p>

Though he had backed off in the beginning, making dinner for us that first night he was at my house, that didn't stop him for trying again and again after that. It was weird. I would threaten him, mostly with kicking him so hard in his man area that he wouldn't be able to have children, that he would stay away, but then boom! There he was again a few hours later, trying again to hit on me.

I guess he wasn't at all different from his counterpart on the show.

Laying on my bed, my eyes closed so that I could think, I heard the bedroom door open slowly. I didn't bother to look, for since there was only one other person in the house with me, I already knew who it was. A small thud and the moving of bed springs indicated that someone had climbed into bed with me.

"I thought I told you to never come in here Fran-" I turned my head and looked, expecting to see the Frenchman trying to get into my bed again. The book hadn't worked out that well, but I found out that since it was big enough, it made for a great weapon to use against him.

When I peaked an eye open, I found that it wasn't Francis who had climbed into my bed, but a small, little girl with auburn colored hair and a green and white dress. She was curled up next to me, asleep.

I blinked in confusion a few times. Who was this kid and what was she doing in my bed?

Slowly, I rose from my spot, making sure not awaken her, and quietly crept out of my room. Once in the hallway, I made a bolt for the living room.

To my surprise, I saw Francis, talking to the same delivery man who had dropped Francis off a few days ago. I looked at the two, then to the boxes. Oh, I was getting another Unit, how lovely.

When the two finally noticed me, I was till wearing my pajamas, which consisted of a white tank top and black shorts, we stood in silence. I got annoyed after the few moments of awkward quietness and spoke up.

"Someone please explain the child in my bed this instant."

I guess that wasn't the best way to word that at all, since after I said that, Francis, and the delivery man, died laughing.

"I did not think you got that drunk last night," Francis remarked, wiping away a tear from his eye. I kicked him in his 'happy place,' making him curl into the fetal position next to a few boxes.

"I only had half a bottle of vodka," I growled, cracking my knuckles and looking to the delivery man, who was shaking in fear and guarding his regions with his hands. "And that is not what I meant."

Francis coughed, "W-what do you mean then?"

"What I mean is exactly what I said, why is there a child in my bed?" The deliver man raised his hand and I looked at him, raising my eyebrow, "What?"

"If I may explain," he began, walking over to the biggest box out of the others. He turned it to show that the box had already been open. "but I'm guessing you got a Chibitalia Unit."

I huffed and crossed my arms over my chest, "And how would you know?"

"Becasue, the Chibitalia units tend to do this sometimes. They wake up on their own in the box and go in search of Holy Roman Empire or Augustus," he replied calmly. "He must have gotten tired and ended up finding you instead."

I think my mind blanked out. Did he say _he? _

Wow, can't believe I forgot about that in the anime. I really do need to watch it again.

"So what do I do now?" I asked.

"It's simple," he then pulled out a manual from the small pouch on his hip, "just program him while he's asleep."

I took it from him and stared at the front cover.

**FELICIANO VARGAS: User Guide and Manual**

**_CONGRATULATIONS! You have just purchased your very own FELICIANO VARGAS unit! In order to allow you full access to all of your unit's wonderful traits, we have provided this manual. Reading it is highly advised to avoid any undesirable situations involving a furious older brother unit._**

"What does it mean by 'furious older brother Unit?'" I squinted my eyes to read the small print.

"Feliciano has an older brother," Francis spoke up, still on the floor. He looked fine, but didn't look like he wanted to get up anytime soon. " and his name is Lovino."

I mentally slapped myself. How could I forget that too? I mean, I know its been a while since I've watched or read anything Hetalia related, but completely forgetting a character? Holy shit. I've really got to watch those episodes again, don't I?

Francis decided to finally got up off the floor, brushing the imaginary dust off of his clothes, and stood next to me. "Ah, how I wish Lovino was here as well, then I could have some_ fun_ with him and Feliciano."

I slapped him upside the head. "Your disgusting."

"Ow," he whined, holding his head, "how is that _dégoûtant mon cher_?"

"Feliciano's Chibitalia, who's a child."

"Your point?"

I slapped him again. "My point is that that my perverted friend is called pedophilia, which is frowned upon here in Canada."

"In France it is not," he smiled.

This time, I kicked him.

"Yes it is!"

* * *

><p>"So, I just have to do what it says and all will be good, right?"<p>

I looked to Francis, who was standing next to me with the manual in his hands. He nodded.

"_Oui."_

"Okay then," I nodded. I looked to Chibitalia and reached down. "Sorry about this little guy, but it's our only option."

I took the small curl that protruded from his hairline in my hand a pulled lightly. Chibitalia's eyes shot open and his face turned a bright red. He then began to cry.

"Aw, I'm sorry!" I let go of the curl and picked him up to hug him. "Did that hurt?"

He buried his head in my shoulder blade and nodded. I patted his back lightly and rocked side to side on my heels.

"It's okay now, I won't do that again."

"That doesn't mean I won't," Francis butted in.

"Touch him and die," I growled, sending him a glare, making him backdown.

Great, and there go my parental instincts.

I smiled back to Chibitalia, who was staring at me, his eyes red from crying.

"Why are you being mean to big brother Francis?" He asked, rubbing his eyes.

"I'm sorry," I gave him a small frown, "Francis, why didn't you tell me you were brothers with him?" I turned and asked Francis. He leaned in close to me and whispered in my ear.

_"I'm not really his brother, but ever since we both lived under Rome's control, he's called me big brother. I don't mind actually, I think it's kinda sweet."_

I smiled at Francis. "That is sweet." Francis nodded and playfully poked Chibitalia's nose making him giggled. I giggled lightly and tickled his stomach. He was so cute!

I guess I was to busy with Chibitalia to notice that Francis had slipped an arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him. I didn't mind though, for the moment. I would beat him up later for touching me when Chibitalia wasn't looking.

I moved Chibitalia to hold him like a toddler in one arm. He wrapped his arms around my neck and nuzzled my neck. I couldn't help but let my smile widen.

And I swear, that if you took a photo of us at the exact moment, we would look like any normal family.

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><p><strong><em>Some-sort-of-cute-touching-family moment! Sorry if the ending part seemed rushed, I just wanted to get this done before I left for the movies tonight. My moms dragging me to see Mr. Poppers Penguins when I wanted to see Kung-Fu Panda 2. <em>**

**_Anyways, reviews are nice, they keep me sane. _**

**_Sorta._**


	3. Not in My Favor

_Disclaimer: I still own nothing but Alex._

_Manual Guides belong to LolliDictator._

_**Chapter Three: Not in My Favor.**_

_**Warning: This chapter contains a lot of swearing from a possible PMSing Alex. You can be the judge if is she is or isn't...**_

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><p>Why can't a day go in my favor? I mean, it's not like they don't always, but after getting those dreaded Hetalia Units in the mail, my life's been a living hell! Chibitalia, whom we now call Feli, isn't that much of a hell bringer. He's quite the opposite. If I do any chore, Feli is always there to help me, whether it be to clean the dishes or fold the laundry.<p>

Now Francis on the other hand...

"Alex! Where do you keep the lotion?"

Well, he has to be the biggest pain in my ass. Even bigger than Jon, but he's a different story. Let's just say ex-boyfriends are called EX-boyfriends for a reason.

Grinding my teeth, I turned in my swivel chair to face the annoying Frenchman, who was standing in the doorway. "Why do you need to know?" I crossed my arms over my chest and raised an eyebrow.

"I need it for something." He said, a small smirk on his face. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what he was talking about. I frowned in disgust.

"Your nasty," I replied bluntly, turning back to face my computer. I had a five page essay due at the beginning of the school year and all this procrastination was finally catching up to me.

Sitting on my bed, was Feli, who was looking back and forth between me and Francis, a confused look on his face. "I don't get it," he admitted sadly. I wheeled over and ruffled his hair, muttering a 'You don't want to' before going back to my work.

After a few minutes, and no comebacks later from Francis, I gave up. The silence was killing me!

With a defeated sigh, I turned to face him again, he was still standing in the doorway. "It's in the bathroom, medicine cabinet, second shelf."

Francis whole face lit up as he smiled. "Thanks!" And with that, he was gone to do whatever dirty thing he was going to do with my lotion.

Then I remembered.

"Shit! That's the good kind from Bath and Body Works!" I threw my head back and covered my face with my hands. "I don't want that back now..."

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><p>I guess Feli ran off after my great explosion over fancy smelling lotion, because after fifteen minutes of mourning-yes, that stuff is good enough for me to mourn over it!-he came running in, telling me someone was at the door.<p>

Of course, when I opened the door, I mourned even more. No, not because of lotion this time. I was mourning because my life was going to become a living hell times three!

If you're guessing it's because the delivery man was standing outside my door, a big, shiny, new box standing behind him, then kudos to you, you win a cookie.

...

Scratch that. You don't win anything. Fucking mind readers don't deserve a thing! You could have told me this and prevented any of this from happening!

"Mamma," Feli began pulling on my pant's leg, "are you going to answer the nice man?"

Snapping from my inner thoughts ranting daze, I stared at the delivery man, who was holding a clip board out for me. I took it and moved out of the way so he could bring in my 'Triple the Hell in a Box!'

"I suggest not being to rough to this one, he's got temper mental issues," he warned before I handed the clip board back over, "and this will be your last Unit for the next year. If you have any questions, call Customer Service. And no, we can not take them back until the full year is up, that is unless there is something wrong with internal wiring and they malfunction."

And there went my great escape. Thank you Mr...What the fuck does his name tag say so I can insult him via my thoughts? Troy? Well, you know what? Fuck you Troy!

"Okay," I replied calmly. Oh yes, on the outside I was playing it cool, but on the inside, I was about to pounce this dude and rip his face to shreds.

No, you know who I should rip to shreds?

...

Keli.

While I was thinking up my friends ultimate demise, Troy handed me the manual that went with the new Unit. "I'll see you in a year," he smiled before walking out the door. Feli shut it for him, waving him off, before running up to me and tugging on my pants again.

I looked from the manual to Feli, who had a happy look on his face. "Who is it? Is it Grandpa Rome? Holy Romance Empire? Maybe my older self?"

Okay, how the hell did he know about his older self? Was he looking at my computer without me knowing? That little bas-

Looking back, I saw that it said **VASH ZWINGLI: User Guide and Manual.**

This was the only thought that entered my mind. Crap.

See, after getting Feli, I decided to get up to date on my Hetalia. Learning it over again wasn't as hard as I thought, I learned some new things, such as human names, pairings that I'd officially love to ship someday, and new countries that I hadn't heard of before. So, after reading the name Vash Zwingli, I automatically knew I was screwed over more that when I got Francis.

Oh yes folks if you can tell how dramatic this is, I got the chocolate loving, trigger-happy, adopted-sister protecting country of Switzerland.

And you wonder why I complain when a day can't go in my favor.

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><p><em>Biotches, I am back! Sorry I was gone for so long, stupid writers block.<em>

_Why do I have a feeling like this chapter was the worst one I have ever written/typed? I know it's probably one of the shortest, but I can't shake this feeling like it sucked..._

_Next chapter all the fun stuff happens. I had to make a small filler before hand to make it seem more dramatic. ;) Sorry about that folks._

_Reviews are awesome-sauce. Good or bad. Just send them. Takes two seconds. Push the button d__own there._


	4. You're Trigger Happy!

_Disclaimer: I still own nothing but Alex._

_Manual Guides belong to LolliDictator._

_**Chapter Four: You're Trigger Happy.**_

_**Quick Note: School finally started for me (I'm a fricken Junior guys! :D Two more year till college!) And do you know what that means...?**_

_**If your guessing later updates, then you my friend deserve a cupcake! And no, I will not say you can't have it like Alex did with the whole cookie thing.**_

_**Alex: Hey!**_

_**So, without further ado, lets get on to the fourth chapter! You're Trigger Happy!**_

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><p><strong>CONGRATULATIONS!<strong> **You have just purchased your every own VASH ZWINGLI unit! To ensure that you drain every last drop of wonderful from your unit, we have provided this user manual; reading it would be advised if you don't want to die.**

^Dear God,

I'm trying to figure out if this is either a death sentence or something to teach me a valuable lesson for threatening to castrate Francis and feed his manly parts to my neighbors dobermans. Can you please give me a sign, like, right now? I kinda need to prepare a will if I do die.

Thanks a bunch, I won't see you in heaven, since I'm obviously going to hell,

Alexandra Brady

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><p>"Will you stop playing with that stuff?" Francis slapped the bubble wrap from my hands and gave me a glare. "We have to get Vash out of the box before he wakes up and kills us all!"<p>

I pouted. "I was playing with that-Hey! Don't give me that face!"

"Then read the manual and find out how we can get him out!"

"Fine, fine. I'll read the stupid manual."

Getting up from my seat on the ground-me and Feli had been playing with the bubble wrap until a certain Frenchmen stopped us from doing so-I walked over to the crate Vash was in and grabbed the manual from the top of it. So far, we had succeeded in opening it. Vash was shown to us, his eyes closed shut.

Francis wanted to keep him that way until we found a way to wake him without dying.

So did I, but the bubble wrap that came with him kept me distracted. It's not my fault that Feli stepped on it by accident, creating a chain reaction that ended with us on the floor, laughing and Francis trying to keep us quiet as not to wake the trigger happy teen that could awaken any moment if we didn't.

"So what does it say?" Feli asked, his eyes practically sparkled as he looked up at me.

"Well," I hummed, skimming the page, trying to see what would work. "half the stuff I don't have. I don't have Gilbert Unit," Francis practically lit up at the name, "or a recording of Roderich's piano music. No one I know has Lili and waking him up just as his is, is practically-"

"Suicide?" Francis interrupted. I nodded.

"Yes. Our only other option is to shoot a gun." I grinned wildly. "And I have just the gun to shoot."

* * *

><p>"Are you sure there's nothing in that?"<p>

Francis stood in front of me, shaking at the sight of the BB Pistol in my hands. I held it like any other hand gun and aimed it at the pervert. "I'm sure. I took out all of the BB's a few months ago because Keli was trying to shoot me with them last time she came over."

We placed our selves in front of the box so that we could see Vash, and he could see us when he came running out of it to 'help' me and teach me how to really hold and use the pistol. I would have probably done this outside, BB's in the gun or not, but even at the sound, the three police men who live near me would hear it and come running to my house.

I'm still surprised they missed Francis's little streaking fun last week. He got so drunk on wine that he ran through me neighbor hood, naked. I followed him in my car for ten minutes before he finally passed out.

"The coast is clear, Mama!" Feli said. He shut the front door and smiled. "Your neighbors are gone and there are no cars passing by the _casa!"_

I smiled. "Thank you Feli." I then turned my attention back to Francis. "Now, you. Don't run or move. There is nothing in this, I've double-checked and everything."

"Are you sure?" He questioned. I groaned.

"Yes, I'm sure, now stay still." I closed one eye and stuck my tongue out, pretending to aim.

Francis was still shaking. "Why do I even need to do this? Can't you aim at the wall or something?"

"Nope," I replied. "We have to make it seem like I'm trying to kill you, then Vash will be more likely to help."

Francis gave a small 'Eep' and closed his eyes. He couldn't see the sly smirk on my face.

I was really beginning to enjoy this.

"Now, on the count of three, I'll shoot, okay?"

"O-okay."

"One."

I pulled the trigger slightly.

"Two."

I pulled it a little harder this time.

Then...

"Three!"

I pulled the trigger. I closed my eyes at the noise and was hit by a small amount of recoil. When I opened my eyes again, Francis was no longer in front of me, but on the floor. He was gripping his forehead.

"I thought you said there was nothing in there!" He shouted.

I smiled lightly. "Oops, guess I was wrong. Sorry."

Truth be told, I planned this all from the beginning. Aren't I a little fucker?

But before Francis could send me back an angry remark, a hand grabbed my wrist and took the BB pistol from my hand.

"No, no, no! That is not how you shoot this!" Another hand grabbed my shoulder and turned me around. My eyes meet green ones as I stared at the newly awaked Vash. He looked at me, then to the gun, then to Francis. "You did good though, taking down a pervert like him. Was he trying to touch you?"

"Nah, it's more like payback for attempting to," I said. "and can you get your hand off of me? I don't like people touching me."

Vash let go. "Sorry." He handed me back the BB gun. "You can have this back. Your aim is actually perfect so there is nothing for me to correct you on, except try not to shake while pulling the trigger. It can throw off your aim and you'll mess up completely. "

"Thanks," I mumbled.

"Speak up! You'll never get anywhere if no one can hear you!"

I cringed. "I said thanks." He nodded and folded his arms over his chest.

There was a tug on my pants and I looked down. It was Feli.

"Can we have something to eat now Mama? I'm very hungry." He rubbed his stomach and frowned.

I picked him up. "Do you want pasta again? Or some of my homemade pizza?"

He thought it over, like it was a very hard decision, which for Feli, it actually is. It's like picking a brand new car over 1 million dollars. After some long, hard thinking, Feli answered with, "Pizza!"

"Okay, let me go get the dough ready then," I poked his nose and he giggled. "Why don't you make sure Francis is okay and show Vash to his new room?"

"Okay!" I set him down and he raced over to Vash. He gave the older blonde and scared look before grabbing his pants and walking him over to Francis. While the two of them helped Francis, Vash just stood there, but I still count that is helping, I went to go make the pizza dough for tonight's dinner.

* * *

><p>"I'll help you move some of those boxes into your room after I put the pizza in the oven," I said to Vash. He left after Feli got Francis bandaged up and on the couch. He was currently sleeping.<p>

"You don't have to," he shook his head, "I can do it myself."

I put the pizza in the oven. "You sure? I mean, they are pretty heavy, at least let me take one box."

Vash sighed. "Fine, but only one. No more than that, got it? I don't want you to get injured."

"I'll be fine," I waved him off. "I've done this kind of stuff twice before after I got Francis and Feli. Neither helped me and I turned out fine." I flexed my muscles and smiled. "And see, I gained muscles! Now I just need abs and I'll be perfect for next years bikini season!"

Vash looked at me weirdly. "I have no idea what your talking about," he sighed.

"Of course you don't." I reached over the stove and set the timer to twenty minutes before heading into the living room. "Let's go, it'll take a while to get everything out of the living room and into your room."

Once in the living room, I grabbed one of the smaller boxes surrounding the big one Vash came in. Vash did the same, only he grabbed two and stacked them on top of each other. I lead him down the hallway and through a door at the end of said hallway.

"This is your room. It's one of the two spares I have. Francis has the other and Feli sleeps in a bed I got him in my room. You've got a bed, dresser, window, and four walls." I dropped the box on the ground. "We'll be going to Walmart later on in the week and I'll let you pick out anything you want to make your room more personalized."

"I won't have to pay, right?" He asked. I shook my head. Just as expected.

"No, I'll pay for everything. Just try to make it as cheep or as little as possible, I'm not that rich."

"I wasn't planning on buying anything expensive. I think it's a waste of money."

I smiled. "You know what?" I walked over to him and slung an arm over his shoulder. "Your like the little brother I've always never wanted. I like you kid, glad your in this dysfunctional family with me."

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><p>Dear God,<p>

Life lesson. Got it.

Alexandra Brady

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><p><em><strong>I made this the opposite of what you guys expected! xD Mad at me?<strong>_

_**I actually had a dream of this chapter, so it was all mapped out an everything once I woke up the next morning. I couldn't think of anything else so I decided just to write this. If it wasn't what you guys expected to happen (I.E you though Vash was going to flip on her a whole lot or stick a gun in her face-I was planning on doing that, but I liked this one better since I got to write Francis getting hurt!) then I'm sorry. He'll do all that stuff later on though, that's why he's listed as he is on the chart below.**_

_**Francis=The dysfunctional husband Alex never wanted; Age 26**_

_**Chibitalia/Feli=The dysfunctional child Alex never wanted; Age 7**_

_**Vash=The dysfunctional/semi-normal brother Alex never wanted; Age 18**_

_**Alex=The only sane person in the entire house; Age 24**_

**^Make sense now? Good, now I want you to review.**

**-Mighty-**


	5. WWWAFGWJT Part One

_Disclaimer: Need I say it again? I own nothing!_

**Chapter Five: We Went to Walmart and All Francis Got was Jail Time Part One**

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><p>How the hell did my day end up like this?<p>

"Where are those men taking Francis?" Feli whimpered, tears rolling down his face. We watched in silence as Franci's was escorted to the police car by the two police men. The grip I had on his hand tightened as I shook my head. Vash sat next to us on a bench, he too was shaking his head at the scene.

"They're taking him to a bad place, Feli. We're going to have to pick him up later."

I heard Vash snort and he said, "That's if they let us. You heard what that police man said. He's going to have to see a judge and we don't know what will happen. We don't know if he's going to have to do community service or he might have to do jail time without bail."

Without a thought in my head, I brought my hand up and slapped Vash across the face. Everyone who was entering or exiting the store at that time went silent as they passed by. Trembling, green eyes met my own as I stared down at him.

"Don't say such things. We WILL get Francis back. I swear it."

Pulling Feli with me, I began to walk away. I had a pervert to get out of jail and Vash sure wasn't helping the stress of the situation at the moment.

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><p><em>Two Hours Before:<em>

"Get ready you three! Because today, we're going to Walmart!"

It was almost lunchtime when I announced to the guys that we were going to the wonderful world of Walmart. Our food supply was diminishing quickly and all three of them had to get clothes since what they were currently wearing, _well, _it kinda stood out.

See this is how it goes in my mind:

Francis's, to me, said, 'Hey! I'm a pervert so you better hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife, and hide yo' husband too 'cuz I'm raping everybody out there.'

Feli's was actually normal. He looked like a girl anyway so the dress was okay, but I really need to get that kid some boy clothes before he grows up to be like Poland.

And Vash's screamed, 'Stay away from me or I'll shoot you.'

So, yeah. Basically that's how I see their clothes. I don't know how others will react when they see these three, but I think I already get the gist of it. I can see it now! Mass panic, people screaming for their lives and then every one dies! It's the apocalypse!

...

Wait, that's for when zombies attack the world.

...

Oops.

"What's 'Walmart', Mama?" Feli asked as I held him in my arms.

Smiling, I replied, "Why my little _aiutante, _it's a store. They practically have everything at Walmart!"

Francis's eye lit up. "Do they even have-"

"You say what I think you're going to say and I'll have Vash use you as his next target for target practice."

Francis's shut right up when he saw the look he was getting from Vash. Even I shuddered slightly at his face. It had to be the evilest face I have ever seen him give.

Putting Feli down, I clapped my hands together. "Well, then, if that's all, everyone better be ready soon. We leave in ten. And Vash," I looked at the teen, smiling sweetly, "please keep your gun at home. I really don't want anyone getting arrested today. Okay?"

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><p>It took a while, but we finally made it to Walmart in one piece.<p>

"I did not know you had such road rage, _mon cher. _Where does all that anger come from?"

"You try living with a pervert, a boy who dresses like a girl, and trigger happy teen and then ask me where my anger comes from."

Grabbing a cart, I lead the three inside. I put Feli in the carriage. He was having a grand time sitting in the little seat and waving to all the people we passed by. They all 'Awwwwww'd' at him, waving back before resuming their shopping.

I drove the cart towards the clothing section. The food could wait. Right now, I had to get these three situated with new clothes. "Vash, go check out what they have in the teen's section. Francis, go check the adults. I'm going to take Feli to the children's. Meet me back here in around half an hour."

The two blondes nodded before we went our separate ways. The children's section was right in front of where we were just standing so I took Feli out of the carriage and had him walk around and see what clothes he wanted.

At first, he headed towards the girl section because he saw a dress he wanted. When I told him he was a boy and couldn't have it, he began to cry causing the people around us to look at me like I was a freak for making my 'daughter' dress up like a boy. What I wanted to scream at them was, 'He is a boy! I want him to wear normal clothes,' but then I might have gotten more looksfor making a boy dress up like a girl.

"How about you pick out some pants and some shirts?" I asked. We stopped at a rack and I began to go through the shirt, occasionally pulling out a shirt to show the brunette. He shook his head to almost every one of them. Finally, after a few minutes of searching, he said yes to one.

"Are you sure you want this one?" The shirt was black and on the front it had the Italian flag. I think that had to be the stupidest question I've ever asked. Of course he wanted it! Feli nodded happily and I put it in the carriage. This continued on for ten minutes. By the time we met up with Vash and Francis, Feli had picked out five shirts and three pairs of pants. Vash had picked out four shirts and two pairs of what looked liked skinny jeans and Francis had six shirts and four pairs of pants.

Thank god I had a lot of money saved up from all of my jobs because this was going to cost well over a hundred dollars.

"Now, we get some food. I just need to get the necessities. I can go to the supermarket later on in the week if we need anything else."

We made our way to the opposite side of the store where the food was. I let the guys pick out whatever they wanted as we made our way down the aisles. Francis picked out some cereal, soups, broths, and some other stuff I couldn't pronounce. Vash just took a few blocks of cheese and said, 'I'll just eat whatever Francis makes.' Feli, of course, took a some boxes of pasta and a bag of flour and yeast. I grabbed the cheese and vegetables I would need to make the sauce.

Everything was going good so far. I was expecting something to go horribly awry, but I guess I wrong. Just as we made our way towards the cash register, a women ran up to us with two men wearing police uniforms behind her. She was yelling, 'There he is! That's the man!' And was pointing towards Francis. The Frenchman froze.

I couldn't believe what was happening. The women ran up to Francis and began to hit him. "You pervert! You pervert!" She kept yelling. The police had to calm her down before taking Francis and handcuffing him.

"You're under arrest," the black haired one said.

"For what?" I snapped. What the hell was going on? Why the fuck was this lady going crazy on Francis?

Blackies partner glared at me and said, 'Its none of your business, ma'am. Please go back to your shopping."

Feli began to whimper at this point. I growled. "I think it is my business, _sir. _This is my brother you're arresting! I would like to know for what before he's taken away!" I lied about the brother part. Vash was like my brother. Francis was kinda like the husband I never really wanted.

"He flashed me in the changing room!" The women sobbed. I rolled my eyes.

"Are you sure it was him?" I yelled at her. "I don't take kindly to people who make false accusations. Especially those who make them against my family!"

By this time, a crowed was gathering around us. Many were whispering to each other. I narrowed my eyes before snapping, "What do you all want! Your not needed here! Go away!"

The blacked haired police man slowly walked towards me. "Calm down, ma'am. your making your child cry."

I scoffed. "I'm making him cry? _I am?_ No! It's not me who's making my little Feliciano cry! It's you bastards! Your taking Francis away without hearing his side of the story!"

"We'll hear his side of the story when he sees the judge." The blonde police man, Blackie's partner, tugged on Francis arm and began to drag him out of the store. Feli was bawling his eyes out as I picked him up and ditched the carriage. We'd come back and get out stuff but only after we got Francis back. Vash followed behind us.

And that's how we ended up where we were before.

"Where are those men taking Francis?" Feli whimpered, tears rolling down his face. We watched in silence as Franci's was escorted to the police car by the two police men. The grip I had on his hand tightened as I shook my head. Vash sat next to us on a bench, he too was shaking his head at the scene.

"They're taking him to a bad place, Feli. We're going to have to pick him up later."

I heard Vash snort and he said, "That's if they let us. You heard what that police man said. He's going to have to see a judge and we don't know what will happen. We don't know if he's going to have to do community service or he might have to do jail time without bail."

Without a thought in my head, I brought my hand up and slapped Vash across the face. Everyone who was entering or exiting the store at that time went silent as they passed by. Trembling, green eyes met my own as I stared down at him.

"Don't say such things. We WILL get Francis back. I swear it."

Pulling Feli with me, I began to walk away. I had a pervert to get out of jail and Vash sure wasn't helping the stress of the situation at the moment.

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><p><strong>It's been so long since I've updated this. This had to be the biggest twist in the story so far! I don't even know where I got this idea from! xD<strong>

**So, yeah. Reviews or else Francis drops his soap while in Jail...If he gets jail time...**


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